On Lessening the Mental Load
When mental clutter becomes hormonal clutter.
What is the mental load?
According to Oxford, “Mental load refers to the continuous cognitive effort and emotional responsibility involved in managing and organising tasks, planning ahead, and ensuring that daily life or work runs smoothly. Unlike physical work, the mental load often goes unseen and unacknowledged, yet it can be exhausting and lead to burnout. It includes remembering deadlines, anticipating needs, resolving issues, and maintaining the smooth functioning of both personal and professional responsibilities.”
Our mental state is fulled to the brim with thoughts and expectations and to-do lists.
This activates our nervous system, and shifts us into stress mode. Of course! If the brain carries a heavy load, the body braces in order to help.
That’s when the load in the brain starts becoming the load of the body.
A body that is always braced is a body out of balance (focus on the word ALWAYS. A body that is braced will easily return to its normal state… it’s the idea that the body is ALWAYS braced that starts to cause issues).
In the long term, we see symptoms of burn out, depression, fatigue… And it often starts with PMS.
When our body and nervous system is full, our hormonal levels shift. We produce more estrogens, cortisol, testosterone, etc.
The menstrual cycle is often the first to scream when something is off. When the body and brain are tired of carrying the mental load, our hormones start to let us know that things are not doing so well… And that a change is welcome before things get worse.
A lot can be said about the socioeconomical influences on the mental load on women, but I won’t get too deep into this particular side of the topic. It is however important to address the idea that the mental load isn’t an isolated and personal problem, but comes from deep seated issues within our society.
This blog post can not reverse this, but the goal is to help you find small ways you can lighten the load on yourself, so you don’t have to suffer in silence.
Here are some things that could be considered to help lessen the mental load of a woman and create more space for her nervous system to flourish.
Assess the situation
There are two sides of the mental load - the facts and the feelings. Both are crucial. We need clarity over both.
How much am I actually carrying, and how do I feel about what I am carrying?
A lot of us deny the reality of the mental load, because we’re so used to it, and because stress doesn’t allow us to see clearly. It could be helpful to start taking notes. Things such as how often are you the one doing some tasks - and the organizing of the tasks, which tasks are your responsibility, how often are you asking for support, how often are you asked for support, etc.
Get real. Touch the facts. How big is your mental load, in reality?
I find it helpful to write down a huge to-do list. It’s incredibly scary to do, but it helps to see just how much our little brain has to carry all the time. And yes, even if you’re not thinking about a task all the time, if you could think about it, it takes brain space. Write it down.
Then get honest about how it makes you feel.
Because it’s not about how much other women carry, or what is normal to carry, what your family wants you to carry… it’s about how much you are currently able to carry. Perhaps your mental load is way smaller that what it used to be, but you’re still feeling overwhelmed by it. Or perhaps you are carrying resentment from it, that makes it feel even heavier.
All of your feelings about the mental load are valid. You just have to be clear on what they are - because clarity leads to solutions.
Sometimes, a simple assessment of the situation allows us to see that the mental load isn’t too much, but we carry so much shame or resentment around it that it feels much heavier. That allows us to know which direction to take for a restoration - it’s not in the tasks, but in freeing the feelings and processing them. Other times, we can notice that we feel exhausted and can realize that way too much is expected of you. In this case, the solution lays in redistributing the responsibility of the tasks.
A word on expectations that don’t come from us.
One of the reason we need to get really clear on the facts and the feelings is to be able to differentiate the expectations that are put by ourselves (expectations we have internalized with time, which most often come from real expectations of the past), or by others (clearly or silently).
Because that also demands a different attitude. Self expectations might require some self-compassion work, while outside expectations would require strong boundaries.
These are not easy topics and subjects, and the goal of this post is to bring awareness to them, but by no mean to diminish their intensity. Please consider asking for professional help if these are areas of tension and conflict for you.
Declutter Your Home
Ever heard of Marie Kondo? Now might be the time to read her book or watch her series on Netflix.
Clutter clouds our judgment and our peace of mind.
The state of our home reflects the state of our mind. And I don’t know what comes first (the chicken or the egg? The mental clutter or the house clutter?), but I do know that they are linked.
The idea is not to just throw things away in a rage, but to curate our home by choosing what stays and letting go of what no longer supports us. Our home is the place where dreams are formed, but if there is no space for peaceful thoughts, we are more likely staying stuck in our mental chaos.
Declutter Your Digital Tools
Be real with me, how many tabs are open on your devices right now?
How many unread emails?
These are all sources of stress. Even if they don’t feel like a lot, they are taking mental space… and adding up. They make up a big chunk of our stimulations and constant demands.
Do yourself a favor and unsubscribe from all the subscription emails you never read. Delete the emails you’ll never read.
Close the unnecessary tabs. If it’s something you have to think about doing later, write it down. Don’t leave it open, waiting for you.
It all takes mental space.
If you don’t believe me, try a little challenge: for 7 days, turn off your computer at the end of the day - and make sure all tabs are closed when you do this.
See how it feels after 7 days.
Prepare for the Day the Night Before
Before going to bed, make your plan for the next day, and choose your clothes too.
When you wake up the next day, you won’t have to use your energy first thing in the morning to make decisions. You can focus on nourishing yourself and filling yourself up (consider reading my blog post on creating a morning routine).
This alleviates a lot of the tension we carry throughout the day. When there are frameworks already in place, it’s much easier to relax into them. Especially if you consider yourself a busy or overwhelmed person.
Ask for help
My coach, Tad Hagrave, often tells us to start our working day by asking for help. And if anyone asks how much help they should be asking for, his answer is always: an uncomfortable amount.
Set a timer for 5 minutes, and ask for help the whole time. Text, call, write an email. Ask, ask, ask.
And if you feel uncomfortable asking for help, then start there and ask for help to find out how to ask for help.
What this does is solidify the relationships around us and build a stronger community. Which is what you need in a world that keeps on telling you that you should have it all figured out by yourself.
No one wants unsolicited advice… Which is why you open doors for authentic and supportive communication when you ASK for it.
Most people want to help.
The mental load is a symptom of an ever-growing, isolating society. Go against that, and choose human connection over perfectionism. You’ll find that there are a lot of burdens you don’t need to carry alone, or at all, when you ask for help.
Start Journaling
This one might feel like you’ve heard it over and over again.
But it’s true.
When you write, it’s difficult for you to lie to yourself. When you write, you process thoughts and feelings with little to no effort. When you write, you use different parts of your brain to help you lessen the load.
Journaling is a tool used for many things. It can be helpful against anxiety, against depression, against art blocks, it can help cultivate a relationship with God, find solutions to problems, grieve and let go, document life, etc.
Writing is a primal part of human life.
You focus on something, release unnecessary burdens, and get clear on your thoughts.
It’s an incredible tool to make some inner space.
The most important part about lessening the mental load is to know where you are at. From there, it’s possible to create more space.
Mental space can lead to nervous system space, which then leads to a more stable hormonal balance. I highly encourage you to start by creating some kind of space around you.
Start your day with it, if you have to.
You’ll thank me soon enough.
